Ok everyone, some of you will have already read this story since I sent it to, I think, three of you already, but I'll post it here so everyone has a chance to read it. The only thing I ask if you do read it is that you tell me what you think about it and where it needs to be improved; things that need to stay in or be elaborated on and things that need to be taken out. I can't get better if I don't have critiques

Be brutal

Also, if this goes well, I might post more stories if they are received well enough here.

A very well write story, I enjoyed it, good concept, informative description and although at the start I wasn't gripped into reading it by the second page it had got me and I wanted to finish it.

Now the bad points, or more the points you can develop on:
- The start did not get me as much as it should, mabye put in some sort of street fight at the start which is just finishing with Grant doing the final dodge and delievring the finishing blow and depending on why hes fighting returning what was stolen to someone or just walking off;
- The start also needs more development, i.e. another proper but quick fight before where it starts now, but after the above, and maybe after the fight he talks to someone who has been a friend to him since he's lost his memory (maybe the person who found him and took care of him for a bit when he first lost his memory);
- You could add something like 'there was a shaodw in the corner watching him as he left with Harry', as that will give a story to develop later on after the ending at the moment (maybe a new gang coming town that wants to take down the mob and rule the city);
- You could go with a storyline later on down the line of him quesitoning working for the mob anymore because he has to do something that he fought foundly about while he didn't have any memories;
- More charater development with his wife Although at the moment with what you've written its perfect so far I'm making this comment for later on down the line however I'm sure you had this planned anyway.
- More suspense is needed in it. It's a good story so far however it doesn't have a lot of suspence in it, but considering its short I guess that's understandable.

Right, well thats all I got, alot of those comments are story expansions rather than improvements I know but still I hope you find them useful. And with that I will like to say: It is an excellant story so far and I loved the ending line, it really went well.

Thanks a lot Timewiz. I was wondering when someone would actually read and comment on this

For right now, I need to keep it as a short story since it's for a class of mine, but I had intended to draw it out as maybe a stand-alone novel. I appreciate the feedback very much.

Well, if you really want brutal feedback from complete strangers, here goes Good plot line, I wasn't expecting a mob story on an anime forum. The one main problem I had was the overuse of the words 'since' and 'which.' Quite a few of those sentences that were extended with these words would've sounded better if you'd cut them off and made new sentences. This sentence could be cut into three, and would flow with the story better(though you managed without those two words ) : "The whispers from the crowd that Grant had overheard earlier told him that this man hadn’t been defeated for several weeks and from where Grant was standing, that didn’t seem too farfetched at all, but he knew that the man would go down tonight." Man that seems rushed and breathless! You could change it to: "Rumors Grant had overheard earlier told him this man hadn't been defeated for several weeks. From where Grant was standing, that didn't seem too farfetched (or that didn't seem farfetched at all). It didn't matter, though, he knew this guy would be going down tonight." This sentence could be improved by taking out 'at him': "The crowd started to laugh at him because his body had become less toned and a little saggy from lack of nutrition." Tightens it up a bit, unless you have a certain word count you have to hit. This one: "Grant had been too focused on dodging and counter-attacking to notice that he had dodged too far back and his punch barely reached the man at all." might sound better as: "Grant had been too focused on dodging and counter-attacking to notice that he had dodged too far back, his punch barely reaching the man at all." Little things like that, to slow the reader down and make the story come through more clearly. Oh, and this one: "Grant’s anger was calmed instantly" is unusual (good, but unusual), but might make more sense if you said: "Grant was stunned." Excellent description of the fight, I could actually see it happening. The pace of the story is good, and like Timewiz said, the ending line was classic. Hope this was helpful!