Ok everyone, some of you will have already read this story since I sent it to, I think, three of you already, but I'll post it here so everyone has a chance to read it. The only thing I ask if you do read it is that you tell me what you think about it and where it needs to be improved; things that need to stay in or be elaborated on and things that need to be taken out. I can't get better if I don't have critiques

Be brutal

Also, if this goes well, I might post more stories if they are received well enough here.